Forums / Humor and Jokes / Got Jokes?

[news] Injured dog's selflessness draws tears
Posted by bmoremastini on 22 Dec : 08:10
what an amazing story! thanks for shari [more ...]

[news] Gene Causes Canine Compulsive Disorder in Suspectable Dog Breeds
Posted by maximus on 21 Apr : 14:17
this is a test comment for Jessica

[links_page] Molosser Dogs
Posted by maximus on 20 Jan : 16:12
I just had to put a comment on this one. [more ...]

[news] Unwanted Canine Guests: Internal Parasites
Posted by basaltcanyon on 31 May : 13:10
Not sure why the link doesn't work but c [more ...]

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jessica

Tue Jun 16 2009, 07:29AM

Registered Member #9

Joined: Fri Jun 20 2008, 02:11PM
Location: Oakland County
Posts: 1581
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I've raised many squirrels while I was working with wild life rehab'....They are Very interesting and entertaining....Just DON'T have ANY wood in your house....Because they WILL eat it!!!

megladon

Tue Jun 16 2009, 07:36AM

Registered Member #93

Joined: Tue Sep 09 2008, 09:52PM
Location: mackay queensland
Posts: 567
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And all your fruit and nuts and bird seed outside
[ image disabled ]

mastinomichael

Tue Jun 16 2009, 11:46AM

Registered Member #11

Joined: Sat Jun 21 2008, 05:31PM
Location: Orlando Fl
Posts: 26
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Two young boys talking one day about cursing,One is 11 and the other 10 years old.The oldest said... I think it's time we start cursing, All of our friends are doing it. So,They both agreed tomorrow we will start ... The morning comes,Mom calls the boys down to breakfast.They both say to one other... Ok today is the day,Off they go down stairs to where mom was waiting.Mom asked.. What do you want for breakfast she asked the 11 year old? He looks over to the other boy and winked ;0) and said oh I don't know give me some of those fuc_ ing corn flakes... The mom flipped out !!! Beat his ass all the way back up stairs, and then some more in the room. The mom returns back down stairs with this wild look in her eyes and looked over to the other boy and asked... Now what do you want for breakfast? The other boy who was still in shock from the beating he just watched replied,I don't know but,I don't want none of the fuc_ing corn flakes LOL !!!!!!

megladon

Wed Jun 17 2009, 03:16AM

Registered Member #93

Joined: Tue Sep 09 2008, 09:52PM
Location: mackay queensland
Posts: 567
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the
night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

thundermug

Sun Jun 21 2009, 01:13PM

Registered Member #44

Joined: Mon Jun 30 2008, 07:06PM
Location: aLABAMA
Posts: 89
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THE WORLDS BEST MOUSER???????[ image disabled ]
By thundermug, shot with MAXXUM 7D at 2009-06-21

jessica

Thu Jun 25 2009, 03:59PM

Registered Member #9

Joined: Fri Jun 20 2008, 02:11PM
Location: Oakland County
Posts: 1581
Thanked 57 time in 55 post

PET OWNERSHIP

A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:

Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.

Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.

Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.

Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.

Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind.

Don't choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle, unless you have plenty of room to store the leftovers.

Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.

Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.

Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.
<><><><>

jessica

Fri Jun 26 2009, 08:33AM

Registered Member #9

Joined: Fri Jun 20 2008, 02:11PM
Location: Oakland County
Posts: 1581
Thanked 57 time in 55 post

Women Who Know Their Place
------------------------------------
Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

jessica

Wed Jul 01 2009, 12:14PM

Registered Member #9

Joined: Fri Jun 20 2008, 02:11PM
Location: Oakland County
Posts: 1581
Thanked 57 time in 55 post

So So Very Tacky of me...But who really cares THESE are funny! =O)

Michael Jackson hasn’t been this stiff since Macully Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch.
Because Jackson ’s body was 95% plastic, he will be melted down and turned into legos, this way kids can play with him for a change.
Reports that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack in his home are untrue… He actually died having a stroke in the children’s ward.
In the spirit of recycling, Michael Jackson will be melted down into plastic party cups so kids can still get their lips around his rim.
In accordance with Michael Jackson’s will, little boys’ pants shall be flown at half-mast today.
Doctors are looking into claims that MJ’s death could have been caused by an allergic reaction from eating 12 year old nuts.
I heard Michael Jackson died of food poisoning from eating a 5 year old wiener.
Micheal jackson will always be with us… he is not biodegradable.
Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates and God asked her what he could do for her having led such an honest life. Farrah asked God to simply make sure the children of the world were safe. Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.
MJ’s dying wish was to be melted down and turned into straws so he can still get sucked on by kids.
It has been released that MJs last wish was that he wants to be melted down and made into a slide so kids can go down on him forever.
In memory of MJ’s death, McDonald’s is coming out with the new “McJackson”. It’s 50 year old meat between 12 year old buns.
Michael Jackson’s ashes are going to be put in an Etch A Sketch so kids can still twiddle his knob.
Michael Jackson’s death has now been ruled a suicide. Apparently doctors told him that the only way he could get whiter is if he died.
Only in America can someone be born a poor black kid, and die a rich white woman.
Madonna sent her condolences to the Jackson family. Then asked how much they wanted for the kids.
Breaking News: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning!
Michael Jackson’s last words: “Take me to the Children’s Hospital!”
What was Michael Jacksons last hit? The floor!
Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. He really shouldn’t have looked at the man in the mirror

MastinoCharina

Thu Jul 02 2009, 09:54PM

CORRADO

Registered Member #10

Joined: Sat Jun 21 2008, 04:26PM
Location: Zionsville, IN
Posts: 319
Thanked 11 time in 11 post

HaHa

jessica

Tue Aug 25 2009, 03:33PM

Registered Member #9

Joined: Fri Jun 20 2008, 02:11PM
Location: Oakland County
Posts: 1581
Thanked 57 time in 55 post

Geography of a WOMAN
>>Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa : half discovered, half wild,
>fertile and naturally beautiful.
>>Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe : well developed and open to
>trade, especially for someone of real value.
>>Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain : very hot, relaxed, and
>convinced of her own beauty.
>>Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece : gently aging but still a
>warm and desirable place to visit.
>>Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain : with a glorious and
>all conquering past.
>>Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel : has been through war,
>doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
>>Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-preserving, but open to
>meeting new people.
>>After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
>and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for
>spiritual knowledge.
> Geography of a MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.
>>THE END

thundermug

Wed Aug 26 2009, 12:32PM

Registered Member #44

Joined: Mon Jun 30 2008, 07:06PM
Location: aLABAMA
Posts: 89
Thanked 5 time in 3 post

Woman: A human gimmie pig

jessica

Tue Nov 03 2009, 12:19PM

Registered Member #9

Joined: Fri Jun 20 2008, 02:11PM
Location: Oakland County
Posts: 1581
Thanked 57 time in 55 post

Top 10 Reasons You Need a Vacation from your Dogs

1. When your spouse's shocked voice shouts from the shop, "Honey, come quick, I've had a terrible accident!", you show up breathless with a mop and scent neutralizer.

2. You wake panicked in the middle of the night when you sense you suddenly have room to move your body around the bed.

3. You can't sleep unless you hear lots of heavy breathing in your bedroom

4.The emergency number on your speed dialer is for the dog's veterinarian.

5. When someone taps you on the shoulder, you tell them firmly, "Off!", then "Down!".

6. When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout "Go to your crates, now!"

7 When someone asks what's for dinner you automatically reply, "Kibbles and Bits".

8. When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking for a ribbon.

9. When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter, "Useless, it is the same colour as my dog and it has no pockets."

10.When your neighbour points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply, "Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great topline!"

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